beauty burns

i have realized that in the past two months of my life i have burnt myself seven times with curling irons; straightners or even face lotions.  it is so absurd to me that this has taken place more the past few months than ever before in my whole life.

so, me being who i am.. asked …. “God, WHY?”

the answer was so simple, yet continually the same.

the enemy is the one who hates me … opposes all of the beauty women have to offer … so being burnt seems to be symbolic … the only thing he can do is offer what his whole environment is made up of: FIRE.

opposed beauty…. burns.

the meeting place.

there seems to be this unexplainable mega structure that is a part of all of our lives. everyone knows about “it”, but few seem to really go to the point of discovering the fullness of this monstrosity. 

i would like to call it a wall.

features of this wall are….. encounters that have changed our lives. people we have spent time with that we are left to wonder why they were ever apart of our journey. decisions that were made for us by other people that left us looking a completely different than prior to that experience.  situations that we have watched as if we were at a movie, yet the reality is that it was our own lives or those we love deeply.  life as a young child.  discoveries.  dreams – that we spent our days interacting with and those that actually came to fruition. and there are those we would be embarrassed to ever even admit that we thought about. the transition of growing up has left us with enough questions.  we also have deep hurts that have happened.  fears that affect us everyday.  longings that are unmet and addictions that have served as fillers to numb our pain.  we make the choice everyday how we are going to ignore the pain. 

we are writing out our epic narrative and as we grow in our pursuit of Truth we either make the choice to work through the wall in our lives or we do not.  you must make a choice.

but there are too many that i have encountered who have decided to stay …. stuck.

to be honest there is a part of me that understands why people would like to stay stuck, it is heavily populated there.  it feels way more “normal” to not work through things than it does to go through the hellish points of our own individual stories.  it is easier to stay here because you do not have to work any harder to move forward.

but we settle when we stay there.

the point of hesitation though comes in with staying at the wall because it keeps us from fully exploring our past which means we will walk into our futures hurting people out of our hurt places of our past.

there has to be another way, that is what i have been saying for the past number of years.

jesus has come through.  he said, “let me redeem all of you and all of your experience”

i am left with the question, will i work through the pain that is involved in healing? 

believe me i am committed to holistic purification and healing.

are you? 

to live well…

living well has been a phrase that has been consistently coming out of my mouth in the last few months.  i know that it is because i have been adamit about healing for most of my life because at some random point along the way i realized that we have all been hurt so deeply in one form or another.  and because of that hurt we live the rest of our lives trying to pick up the pieces or act like the hurt does not affect us … that is untrue … we consistenly live out everyday our fallen self.  

unless we seek redeemption. 

i long to live holistically well and i do not mean perfect, by any means.  but what i do mean is that i live my life honestly without fear or shame.  i desire to be a part of community who actively pursues the exact same thing.  i am tired of interacting with blinded brokenness that appears to “have-it-all-together” and then using the name of Jesus to justify errors or really just bad choices. 

i long to live among people who teach me things because they know their epic.  i long to share mine as well.  i want to live among people who are consistent in their longing to learn because that is where growth happens … when our thoughts and beliefs are challenged.

more than anything i long to know my triune God is a more intimate and personal way because i am a part of an active community who is in pursuit of Truth that is appliedto all areas of life.  a dear friend said to me today, “julia, i cannot desire to know Truth if I have an agenda attached to what i think that Truth must mean”.  that is it!!  we cannot attach our own fallen ideas to what has never been fallen.  God is True.  Jesus walked in Truth and the Holy Spirit guides us toward the Truth. 

to know the triune Truthful God is the basis of living well.

coming….

advent means coming. 

he did what he said and came. 

 i have no room to question him as to if he will come through for me now with the promises that he has given to me. 

i trust. 

and i hope you do as well. 

he’s coming for you!

soon.

in revelation 22:7….the words are written, “behold i am coming soon!”

it doesn’t take a scholar to realize that the bible has been around for quite some time and the word “soon” is not used the same way i use the word soon, because to me that word means relatively quick …. oh, and Jesus still has not come back yet … but i just continue to remind myself that he works on a completely other time schedule than i do.

i guess that i must think again before you use the word soon.

say good-bye!

let’s all say our final farwell to summer!!  in one day we will be beginning the beautiful season of fall, i wish you could see my face right now because i am thrilled!!  i was on a walk tuesday morning preparing myself to say good-bye to this season that has been full of hard moments, but i am convinced that there were experiences that have taken place over the past few months in my life that are going to come be understood in this next season!!  i am looking forward to the harvest!

i hope you find beautiful ways to welcome the harvest in your journey!!

i saw a mouse, actually two!

um, i have had a fear over the past 24 years of life, as you can see a pretty consistent one … and that is that i am scared to death of mice!  i mean i cringed at the thought of seeing them or thinking of them even in a cage.  it grosses me out to think of them running rampant wherever they want without any supervision. 

this summer, twice now i have seen a mouse.  the first time i was in the basement of one of my dearest friends and i was just reading before i feel off to sleep, when all of a sudden i see a four legged wonder scamper across the floor.  i literally froze.  grabbed my cell phone and called my friend ellen, who was upstairs!  i made her come down and save me from the horror of this creature.  all was fine, i went upstairs and never went back downstairs for the rest of the two weeks of my stay. 

the most recent encounter took place wednesday, i was sitting so very nicely on the couch of another dear friend when all of a sudden i recounted the incident that took place in june …. this little mouse came out of no where into the closest directly across from where i was sitting.  i almost freaked out, put my feet in the air and wouldn’t move.  but i did remain more calm than the first time.  the strength of the homeowner was called upon and he decided to conquer the fear that i had by going and attempting to kill the mouse.  well, long story short, i left the house that night with a mouse still alive and i am not sure if he is dead yet or not, but what i do know is that i handled myself so much better the second time around than i did the first.  i guess that is what facing your fears does to you, it makes you more at ease when you have to face the very thing that causes everything within you to shutter. and the most important part was the fact that i was not facing my fear alone.  my two heros rescued me in the place of fear.

will i ever let my children have mice in the house as pets? you can be sure that will never happen. but i am so glad that i am a little more at ease now about this ridiculous fear!

the total: 19!!

it has been almost three months now since my summer began now it is the end of july and i totaled the count. i have slept in 19 beds since may 1st.  i could hardly believe it when i was laying in bed number 19 in california as counted all of the random places i have been able to sleep.  

it has by far been one of the most challenging summer’s i have ever had.  i look back to the past few months and realize this summer has been a lot like the summer of 2003, that was the summer that i had my back surgery.  (can you even believe it, it has been 3 years since that all happened).  i remember the feeling of perservance in 2003 and this summer i have used the word endurance to describe situations that i have gone through.  i feel like this summer i have been able to experience hebrews 12. i have been disciplined by God on profound levels. 

i always thought that the word discipline was harsh and full of disturbing correction.  but if you would ask me what i think today, i would tell you a very different tale.  i believe that his discipline is tender.  patient.  loving. and gentle. that has been my experience this summer, he has worked very hard to correct areas of my thinking, re-establish emotional boundaries,  challenge my work out routine and provide new depth to my search for was is true.  it has been painfully hard for me to walk through, because what happened was my grip was loosened and areas of my heart that were stubbornly controlling were corrected.  new perspective is what i have at the end of july after a thorough season of discipline.

i will hopefully never cringe at hebrews 12 again.  i will embrace it, because the process that i endured this summer has provided a new sense of ease and a spirit of invitation towards God’s correction.  because i am more like him now than in june.

i believe that the community of people that i was a part of this summer provided grace, patience, love and tenderness was a tangible representation of God’s heart. that is where healing took place.  it was in houses, apartments, condos and hotels that i found corrective healing from my Father.  he loved me well, in all 19 locations of rest he brought his refinement to me.

but do not get me wrong, i did my share of kicking and screaming along the way.

  

fare thee well, good journey

sunday, colorado gave me an experience that was magical.  fairies.  dragons.  knights in shining armor.  villages.  it was a medieval festival that was absolutely unexplainable.  the setting was tucked away in the mountains with landscape that looked like it was painted.  cobblestone roads led us through the mountainous village as the knights and maidens surrounded us.  it was the most magical environment i have experienced in months.  my cousin andrew and i just thoroughly soaked in the entirety of the day, the sun was baking our skin as we had permanent smiles on our face.

i am not sure if knights in shining armor and fairy maidens really exist outside of the festival gate walls, but for a day i was able to step into what once was a reality for a culture of people who lived the renaissance experience. this was their day in and day out life. and because of that we now have an understanding of rebirth.  c.s. lewis reminded me yesterday that our entire journeys are meant to be like the renaissance, full of new birth.  connecting the before and attaching it to the present, which then brings wholeness to the future we are longing to see created.  this was an empowering and challenging day for me, seeing such a newness of rebirth.

i do not know if you will ever get to see first hand jousting or watch knights carry their maiden off into the distance, but i do hope that one day you will be able to experience the feeling of rebirth that is energizing.  it was one of the few landscapes that i have ever seen that made me think, “the garden of eden must have been something like this.”

so, fare thee well …. continue on traveling.  creating.  and birthing newness. 

good journey, my friend.

prada warfare while celebrating freedom

america celebrates. red and white checkered tablecloths cover more tables today than any other day.  i love that sprinklers and BBQ’s remind us of freedom.

i was very ready to start my day because i knew i would be able to spend a lot of time reading a challenging book entitled, this day we fight: breaking the bondage of a passive spirit, by francis frangipane (i highly recommend it!). i literally read about ten pages and had to put the book down because i had a headache.  the truth that is presented in this literally work of art calls my soul into places of challenge that have been untouched for quite some time.  the work of the holy spirit in connection with intercession breaks spiritual bondage. warfare is called into question when we press the lines of the enemy.  psalm 18 has given me a new understanding of fighting blamelessly with God’s strength.

i put the book down as i was challenged to break areas of passivity in my shadow. i walked away with a headache.

the devil wears prada was another work of art (if i can say that) that gave me a headache today, but for a much different reason. the brokenness of the women in this film broke my spirit.  sadly enough  i was also affected by this movie because i could see myself living with the pressures  these women experienced.  beauty.  style.  the look.  attitudes.  pressure to succeed. and a heartless, relentless pursuit of femininity vs. femininity. 

why does it have to be this way? why the constant pain for women? i have concluded it is because the enemy is after the gift that we were given as women in the garden, our beauty.  consistently we sense this pressure from our  own gender as well as the opposite.  we don’t know how to live in style, but we definitely know when we are out of it. 

i pleaded with the holy spirit for humankind today.  i asked him to teach us women how to comprehend a healthy balance of what is internal and what is external.  i begged him to take away the edge of the pain that we feel as women because of our daily challenges with ourown beauty and how the world has lied to us.  i asked him to communicate with men about how to lovingly challenge women toward their fullest potential of beauty, but also graciously respond to us when we are attacked with fierce hatred.  and i asked him, how long must this remain? because i know all things are going to become new. 

the tree of life will one day be fully experienced. and then we will know freedom.